Mystic Love's Predictions - Spookily Accurate!

By Emma Love
First created 18 March 2009 | Last updated 06 February 2010

Libra 23rd September – 23rd October
A herbal remedy rubbed onto the left buttock will boost your confidence and bring you luck in the local amusement arcade. Adopting a pet mole will prove challenging and costly later on this month – you should have plumped for the pet vole you silly girl. Nevertheless, you, as always, will battle on through and taking your partially sighted chum to a nightclub will attract a tall toothy stranger.

Scorpio 24th October – 21st November
Oink Oink! Dreams of pigs on the 22nd will lead to several troubled months for you as you'll become infatuated with the local butcher. Avoid this by eating chocolate buttons before bed with a spot of Radio 4 for company and you'll soon be back to those raunchy thoughts of Paul Merton and cottage cheese. Try sporting a waistcoat on the 4th if you want a free slice of pizza.

Sagittarius 22nd November – 21st December
You will unfortunately encounter several painful experiences this month if you don't open your eyes. Watch out for blue bow ties, yellow dogs and picture frames holding vertically challenged priests. A cupful of raspberries should be devoured on the 14th if you're hoping to find love on the other side of the Mersey.

Capricorn 22nd December – 19th January
Thinking of renovating a room this month? Hold back until the 11th when a man with a handlebar moustache will shimmy into your life and splash your walls with plenty of colour! Finding a sapphire earring in your plimsoll will lead to a meeting with a wise old woman with a saucy secret. Smelly scallops will earn you friends at the end of the month – serve them with a bit of Reggae Reggae and you'll be golden.

Aquarius 20th January – 18th February
Always fancied one of those serving trolleys with it's very own hotplate? Then go for it on the 12th and serve Mr Kipling's and Primula cheese if you want to impress. Eye contact with a fragrant individual on a shuttle bus could end with an embarrassing trip to the hospital. Spring cleaning gets underway for you in a couple of weeks; switch to a cloth of natural fibres if you want to see the reflection of your soulmate in the coffee table.

Pisces 19th February – 20th March
Beat the credit crunch this month by car sharing with your beefy neighbour who will broaden your mind with his music and words in those tedious jams. A hidden talent is found on the 16th when you find you have a flair for the fandango at a birthday party. Look out for a gent with a widow's peak who will bring you to the peak of sexual pleasures if you don't mind Marmite.

Aries 20th March – 19th April
You'll finally get to grips with those love handles after the 25th if you don brown leg-warmers. Leaping off the end of a jetty in a spring shower will impress the boss and lead to a raise. Keep the extra cash in a blue jug and you'll save for improvements to your own jugs in no time. If you're happy with pinky and perky, stash the cash instead for jovial jaunt to Japan in July.

Taurus 20th April – 20th May
A bashful guy who favours a Northern lass will work hard for you attention on the 13th trying to woo you with nougat and nightgowns. An urge to run through the very town you were born in must be quashed if you wish to keep this unfortunately named bloke's attentions. If you want to reciprocate the gifts, why not plump for a nice tankard or a fetching pair of driving gloves?

Gemini 21st May – 20th June
Someone who refers to a part of you anatomy as 'little' will forever rue the day he opened his mouth on the 18th. You'll get your revenge with something 'big' and painful which should be inserted to the tune of Gangster's Paradise. Celebrate your achievements this months with beetroot liquor and you're bound to catch the eye of a guy who can offer you the moon on a stick.

Cancer 21st June – 21st July
A cheeky loophole will bring you a wad of cash and lovely free gift - a bedside teasmaid if you take a risk and make that telephone call with an Austrian accent on the 20th. A visit to a University on a Tuesday will lead to a brief encounter with a metaphysics professor in a dark lab. Catch up with you favourite omnibus and a brew on the 29th and you'll be persuaded to buy a horse.

Leo 22nd July – 22nd August
Pull out that push-bike that you bought in January, slap on the fake tan and get those legs pumping round the cobbled streets. Now is your time to shine Leo - lip gloss, bling and silicon - more is more! A ginger pedestrian with a penchant for birds of prey will prove to be a hoot if you let him take you to a Korean bistro on the 3rd. Wear sequins if you want this one to last more than a month.

Virgo 22nd August – 22nd September
Tempted by an exotic vodka flavour on the 20th you'll enjoy a wild night of shenanigans. Dance in a green hula hoop and you'll find a new buddy, choose the pink hoop and you'll fall into the arms of that David Cameron looky-likey you've had your naughty eyes for quite some time now. Cut an old poncho up to make tea cosies for your pals this month and lady luck will smile down on you.